just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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