At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
