Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
