That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I deserve this hangover.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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