can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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