Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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