my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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