yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
