Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
