3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
