if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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