If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
