I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
