My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i dont even know how to be here
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
