I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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