I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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