24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
