Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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