New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
