I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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