There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
