Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
