And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
