In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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