Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
