Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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