my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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