I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
