If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
