how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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