So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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