be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
