We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
