i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
