i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
