I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
