in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize