Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
