its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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