then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
