She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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