Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
