anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
