the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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