Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You are a genius and a whore.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
