God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
