the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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