You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
