i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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