i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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