I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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