i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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