I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
