Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
