Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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