Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
