The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
