Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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