if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
