Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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