The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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