high people should be assigned attendants
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
