just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
