your parents love me but you hate me
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
