Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
