literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
