I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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