Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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