can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I will die if light touches me.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
